Every time an awards show airs, I get it in my head that I’ll do a liveblog. But every time I forget about it and end up drinking wine out of a red plastic tumbler.
But this year my only drink of choice is Diet Coke, meaning I’ll be able to ACTUALLY liveblog.
I know you’re all pumped.
7:59: Sort through twitterfeed and make witty retorts about Nick Nolte.
8:07: The Hunger Games trailer airs. I squeal a little. I am so excited for this movie, it’s ridiculous. Calm myself down and eat a black & white cookie.
8:11: Roll eyes at George Clooney and his walking Oscar Barbie (Stacy Keibler). He flirts with Robin Roberts while OB (Oscar Barbie) looks on, unsure of what she’s supposed to say. Tim Gunn talks to Brad Pitt who looks like he needs a shower.
8:15: montage of who celebs think will win/want to win. Clooney says he’s rooting for the Descendants. In other shocking news, the sky is blue.
8:17: This Google Commercial airs. I’m obsessed.
8:23: I definitely would want to hang out with Tom Hanks. Also? Brian Grazer has really weird hair.
8:26: Roommate, T, walks in and says “Of course you’d be watching this.” I throw an empty diet coke can at him and tell him he’s the worst.
8:31: Roommate, L, walks in and comments that Morgan Freeman is a baller for wearing two different earrings
8:32: Billy Crystal shows up.
8:33: Billy Crystal proceeds to do a little Oscars intro. Worst moment? Seeing a Ginger Billy. That’s something I’ll never unsee.
8:37: Billy’s inevitable song and dance. I can’t help it. I’m smiling. Apparently, accords to the twitters, everyone else hates it. Whatever.
8:43: Some guy that looks like Billy Connolly wins some award that no one cares about. Some Italians win another award no one cares about.
8:55: Realize liveblogging and livetweeting at the same time was a terrible idea. Briefly consider scrapping both and opening a bottle of wine. Decide against the wine and continue blogging and tweeting until my little fingers bleed.
8:56: Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz present ‘best costume design’ and both look terrible. Jennifer’s dress was both shiny and pleated, Cameron’s had weird shiny parts and feathers. Awful.
9:00: More boring awards. Receive tweet from my pal, Zac, telling me how wrong I am about J-Lo & Cameron. Have to explain the difference between girl hot and guy hot. Also, must remind me that the Oscars are not the cover of FHM.
9:05: Sandra Bullock presents the award for foreign language film. Think about how awesome she is, but that her dress is awful.
9:13: Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress. Boring. I’d have rather seen Melissa McCarthy win. Also? Getting bored with twitter. No one is appreciating my witty barbs.
9:20: Some weird black and white Christopher Guest bit. But I do love me some Fred Willard and Catherine O’Hara. I didn’t understand it, but I’m a fan. And if you haven’t seen For Your Consideration, please remedy it immediately.
9:25: Tina Fey, Bradley Cooper and Bradley Cooper’s mustache present a bunch of awards that no one cares about. Also? What’s the difference between sound mixing and sound editing. They sound the same.
9:35: Kermit and Miss Piggy show up and introduce the creepiness that is Cirque de Soleil. I think about using this time to refresh my diet coke.
9:37: Cirque de Soleil is creepier than I remember. Not even a nod to North by Northwest can save it.
9:40: Billy Crystal makes fun of Christopher Plummer. No one mocks Captain Von Trapp & gets away with it.
9:41: Robert Downey Jr. shows up and I forget my anger at Billy. He’s wearing a very dapper silver sparkly bow-tie. I’m in love.
9:45: Chris Rock is still the unfunniest person in the room. And tells a race joke. In other shocking news: the sky is blue.
9:52: Emma Stone is adorable. But I’m pretty sure Nicole Kidman wore the same dress a few years ago.
9:55: Jason Isaacs need to be in more. I don’t care what. He just needs to be in my life more.
9:58: Melissa Leo manages to get through her intro without dropping an F-bomb. An improvement over last year. Also? If anyone but Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Actor, it is fixed.
10:00: Christopher Plummer wins. I won’t have to write a nasty letter to the Academy. Captain Von Trapp finally wins an Oscar. And his acceptance speech was perfect.
10:07: Start to get bored with the entire show. Contemplate going to sleep.
10:09: Billy Crystal does a dead-on Martin Scorsese impression. And a dead-on Nick Nolte.
10:16: Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis show up in white tails with cymbals. I have no idea why, except that it’s awesome.
UPDATE: Yes, I did fall asleep. Sadly, the Oscars didn’t hold my attention this year.