Canseco Knows Best or “How Steroids Will Destroy Your Mind”

If you haven’t been following world’s best twitter user/resident crazy person Jose Canseco’s twitter feed, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!?!

Half of the Ambiguously Steroided Duo aka “The Bash Brothers”

and no, not these Bash Brothers.

If you don’t know who they are, you had no childhood and I feel sorry for you

has taken to twitter recently to remind the world that he 1- is still alive and kickin’ and 2 – bringin’ the cray to the interwebs as fast as Amanda Bynes (seriously, that girl’s tweets should come with a prescription for penicillin – you’ll feel diseased/shame after reading them). Thankfully, Jose’s tweets fall more towards the “are you for real? is this real life?” spectrum of crazy than the “this is a violation of my eyes and mind” spectrum of which Ms. Bynes falls under (seriously, Amanda, I REALLY didn’t need to know you want Drake to “murder your vagina”. WAY WAY WAY TMI. It’s like those car accidents you keep getting in removed you of any sense of shame/functionality in normal society).

But back to the OTHER crazy town, population: Jose.

Mr. Canseco has been delighting the twitterverse with his ramblings since he opened an account. From his earlier oeuvre, Jose tweeting about:

  • aliens getting a hold of his twitter account 
  • dying and becoming a vampire (and apparently, we’re all his apprentices)
  • while being dead, hanging out with “Elvis” and “Michael” (I’m assuming Presley and Jackson…but with Jose you never know. It could have been Elvis Billingham and Michael Otterstein)
  • needing an attorney because his landlord evicted him (but kept his “chandaleers”)
  • requesting to be a consultant on Eastbound & Down (because we all know Kenny Powers is basically Jose)
  • offering a sweet package where people could pay to hang out with him for the day (I guess his attorneys’ fees are pretty high. Also, I wonder if the package would include Performance Enhancing Drugs or if it would be more of a “BYOD”)

That was like a YEAR ago. And Jose has been keepin’ on with his tweets, each one slightly crazier than before.

Recently, Jose tackled science, specifically the difference between ‘gravity’ and ‘ancient gravity‘. Apparently, there IS a difference. Ancient gravity was WAY weaker. Otherwise, how could dinosaurs be so nimble? Or giant birds flying? Who knew the guy who opened baseball’s pandora’s box was also is an amateur scientist!?!?

Besides winning the internet with science, Jose wants to ‘duet’ a painting with former President George W Bush. You may not remember, but Jose is also something of an artist. He painted this eerily accurate painting of MLB Commish, Bud Selig.

I especially like the red eyes & giant horns

I especially like the red eyes & giant horns

Without twitter, we never would have known what an artiste Jose is!

And then there was “Vaticanseco”

When Pope Benedict stepped down a few months ago, the world speculated who would be Pope. And, Religious Scholar that is he, Jose put in his two cents. Sanity may have lost, but the world won with Canseco selecting himself to be the new Pontiff. And, if that didn’t work out? He and Man-Ram would be willing to come play for the Cleveland Indians this season (no joke). So, Pope or probable bench player for the tribe. Either one is fine with him. He REALLY wants a spot on the Indians, using the hashtag #rolltribe on more than one occasion.

Jose Indians

As a diehard Cleveland Indians fan, I say BRING IT ON. With the Indians at the forefront of social media (Social Suite, anyone?), it seems like a no-brainer to have a twitter superstar on the roster. He doesn’t even have to play. They can just give him the title of “Chief Tweeter” and let him go to town, tweeting about whatever his little steroided heart desired (and it would have been glorious). And you KNOW he would have been ALL over the Indians’ Harlam Shake video.

There really is no way to put the epicness of Jose’s tweets into words. I couldn’t do it justice. So I’ll just let the man speak for himself.

Jose Pope Twitter

Vatican scholar. And worried about a Pope B16 Conspriacy

First Bud Selig, now THE DONALD. I would pay $$$ to watch this being painted.

First Bud Selig, now THE DONALD. I would pay $$$ to watch this being painted.

Actually, I would pay $$$$$$ to see this.

Actually, I would pay $$$$$$ to see this.

Jose is a regular So-crates (and if you didn't pronounce it like Bill & Ted, I don't know if we can be friends)

Jose is a regular So-crates (and if you didn’t pronounce it like Bill & Ted, I don’t know if we can be friends)

This sounds like the plot of a bad made-for-tv Lifetime movie. Maybe I'll pen the script myself & get Jose to play himself.

This sounds like the plot of a bad made-for-tv Lifetime movie. Maybe I’ll pen the script myself & get Jose to play himself. Romance ensues. I think Jose could probably take Jody on.

Concerned friend. I know if I was in North Korea, I'd want Jose to have my back.

Concerned friend. I know if I was in North Korea, I’d want Jose to have my back.

I don't even know. There are no words.

I don’t even know. There are no words.

someone is definitely a little grumpy. Also, would Jose like to be the pot or the kettle? (or maybe the walkman or hypercolor tee shirt? you know, both relics of the 90s)

someone is definitely a little grumpy. Also, would Jose like to be the pot or the kettle? (or maybe the walkman or hypercolor tee shirt? you know, both relics of the 90s)

Jose Bill Nye 1

Aww, Jose feels bad. Hugs for Bill (but, Bill, I wouldn’t go taking that hug. His arms look like they could strangle a boa constrictor. And not the baby kind)

Where did we find out entertainment before the internet, seriously.

Were professional athletes always this crazy and we just didn’t know about it? I mean, if Wilt Chamberlain or Mickey Mantle had twitter or foursquare, do you think it would have been all, “getting my drink on with my boys!”, ‘checking in’ at strip clubs and bars, and maybe a “lady counter” for Chamberlain (you know, so he could keep track of his conquests)? Could you IMAGINE the psycho ramblings of a Ty Cobb (hello, racism. See also: John Rocker). Or “Broadway Joe” Namath? Or Bill “Spaceman” Lee? John McEnroe (the epic twitter meltdown would have happened)? Or even Billy Martin (he could have a counter of the number of times he was fired as Yankee Skipper)?

Since we’ll never know, we’ll have to make due with the current crop of crazies (other than Jose):

Tonya Harding would also be a win on twitter, but I don’t think she’s taken up that mantle yet. So this is my formal invitation to

Dear Tonya— PLEASE GET ON TWITTER! THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS ON EVERYTHING!

Signed, the world.

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