Holiday Panic! (and some crappy Christmas Carols)

Christmas is right around the corner. Seriously. It’s next week. How did that happen. I have exactly ZERO percent of my shopping done and I’m afraid of the mall. Well, not really (I do love to shop), but I hate! hate! hate! the mall during the holiday season, particularly the week before Christmas. It’s basically amateur hour—and let’s face it, if they awarded PhDs in shopping, I’d have graduated summa cum laude.

I consider myself a pretty good gift giver, mostly because when I shop for others, I’m obsessively organized. I have a list (Santa has his, Stacey has hers. Mine’s probably better because it’s usually sparkly and pink) with everyone I need to shop for, what I want to get them and where I want to get it (all organized by grouping). I try really hard not to veer too much from the list, otherwise I’d go wild (and broke). I LOVE shopping for other people and picking out the perfect present.

I haven’t even started my list this year.

I was going to do a little shopping today, but I ended up having a 2+ hour lunch at Tommy’s with one of my best girls, Sarah (aka Kres). I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks—she just finished her MBA and her last semester was a killer. We dished about everything and (of course) about Baby Kres (who will be making his/her debut into the world in May. I’m so excited and happy for her!).

During lunch, the conversation drifted towards holidays and specifically Christmas carols. I have an unhealthy love for cheesy Christmas songs (I own so many ridiculous holiday themed cds, it’s embarrassing). But, since I also have an extra snarky gene, I also hate on songs. A LOT. Kres hates a lot of the same things I do, so we make a fine team. We started talking about the 10 worst Christmas carols that we know. I’ve been floating this top ten list in my head for the past few weeks, but it was solidified today.

So, without further ado, the S-Dizzle Holiday Hates

10. Cherry Cherry Christmas — Neil Diamond

This is terrible. Period. I have an intense dislike of Neil (except in ‘Saving Silverman’—which is awesome(ly bad)) and this song makes absolutely no sense. Neil talk-sings his way through a bunch of non-sensical lyrics (a cherry cherry rock n roll holy happy Christmas? yuck) before screaming “It’s a Cherry Cherry Christmas Everyone!” at the song’s end. I don’t want to know what a Cherry Cherry Christmas is, much less have one. Grade: FAIL.

9. Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk this Christmas) — John Denver

I normally don’t mind John Denver—and his songs with the Muppets are an S-Dizzle favorite—but this song is awful. First of all, how ridiculous is it that a grown man is talking about being “almost 8 years old”. That alone makes it worthy of being in my top 10. Add in some schmalzy and terrible lyrics and Denver’s extra-twangy voice and it’s enough to make your ears bleed. Besides, I know lots of people that can only get through the holidays by drinking. Lets not make them feel bad, k? k. Also, didn’t Denver get arrested a few times for DUIs? Irony’s a bitch, I guess.

8. Christmas Conga — Cyndi Lauper

What’s worse than Cyndi Lauper singing? Cyndi Lauper singing with a Mariachi band. Add in a holiday theme and you’ve got a contender for the worst Christmas song of all time. Maybe she felt there was a hole in Mexican holiday music that Jose Feliciano can’t fill (seriously, how many versions of ‘Feliz Navidad’ can you really do??). In any case. she was either drunk or heavily medicated when she recorded this song. There’s no other explanation.

7. Merry Christmas With Love — Clay Aiken

Since I couldn’t put “Invisible” on this list (not a holiday song, damn my self-made parameters!), this is the next best thing. though not as stalkery as “invisible”, where it lacks in a future restraining order, it more than makes up for it in depressing visuals. Old lady? Check. Kids all gone? Check. Unhappy Ending? Double check. I don’t know if maybe Clay received coal (or maybe sporting goods?) too many years, but someone should let him know that people want to be cheered up when they listen to holiday music. Not take a prozac.

6. ANYTHING by Josh Groban

Just google “Josh Groban” and “Christmas” and you’ll be treated to a varied assortment of migraine-inducing holiday cheer. Or turn on your radio. Listen for five minutes. There is a 99% chance he will be on the radio. If driving, resist the urge to swerve into oncoming traffic.

5. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town — Bruce Springsteen (or Justin Bieber)

This is a special countdown addition. While I don’t hate this song all that much (yes, it gets annoying. and quick), my aforementioned bestie, Sarah (see above) hates the Boss’s version. Me? I can’t stand the Biebs’ version, in all its tech-y, synth-y glory. Not to mention the kid thinks he’s the second coming of Usher (or maybe he thinks Usher is his dad? I don’t know).

4. Do They Know It’s Christmas? — Band Aid

This song has a special place as it is on both my worst and favorite Christmas song lists. I know it’s a terrible, schmalzy song…but I can’t help but secretly (or not so secretly) love it. Boy George, George Michael AND Elton John in one song? HILARIOUS. But you have to wonder what Bono thinks when he hears this song (except for maybe “why?”). On second thought, Bono probably has people to make sure that the song is never played in his presence. Ever. I do wonder what the proceeds from the song go to now? Maybe the “Peaches Geldof Criminal Defense Fund“? Just a thought. But seriously, why? Did Geldof wake up one morning and go “You know what’s missing in the holiday carol universe? a song about Africa.” Because nothing says Merry Christmas like starving Africans.

3. Blue Christmas — Elvis

Elvis ranks up there with Neil Diamond as someone that I could go forever without listening to (with the exception of the mega classic “Suspicious Minds” which is awesome). This song is the worst of anything Elvis has ever sung (and I’m including the mega awful Viva Las Vegas years). I can’t pinpoint exactly what makes me hate this song so much. Maybe it’s his voice and his inability to get through the song without stuttering (and this coming from someone that s-s-s-stuttered for the first twelve years of her life) or maybe it’s simply the fact it is a TERRIBLE SONG in all variants (not even the lovely Martina McBride could save this awful song).

2. Mary Did You Know — Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd

I don’t actually hate the song…when it’s not sung by a man whose plastic surgery should be on everybody’s ‘worst of’ list and the less famous Judd sister. I can’t quite put my finger on WHY I hate the song so much (maybe the fact it’s been overplayed the last few years) other than Kenny’s voice is grating and repetative…and then Wynonna jumps in, sounding like she just fell off a barstool and got into a fight on the way up. Terrible.

1. The Christmas Shoes — NewSong

Come on, are you REALLY surprised? This song manages to cause strong reactions in people. And not positive ones either. This song can (and has) single-handedly ruined the holiday season for people. You know the minute you hear this song, you’re going to be sulking and complaining for the next few hours about how terrible this song really is. If you are one of the lucky few to have never heard the song before, all you need to know is that the song is about a dirty little boy that wants to buy his dying mom shoes for when she meets Jesus. Yeah, because we all know Jesus is really concerned with what everyone’s wearing to heaven. Add in a guy that sounds like he really “feels” the music, a children’s choir and more insipid lyrics that what’s found in an entire Hallmark store and you’ve an idea of what the song is. In my first circle of hell, this song would be playing on repeat for eternity. If I could physically fight a song, this would be the one. And I would kick the crap out of it.

So there you go. Honorable (or not so honorable) mentions to Karen Carpenter, WINGS, and Elton John. It was a valiant effort, guys, but you just weren’t terrible enough.