today’s post is brought to you by small time crooks and WalMart

I know it’s been a few days since I’ve posted, but, well, LIFE got in the way. Finals are over (yay!) and that means the Christmas season is here. I’m looking forward to hanging out with the dog, seeing friends that I haven’t seen in FAR too long, finishing my grandmother’s Christmas present (scrapbook!) with my sister, baking (gluten-free!) Christmas cookies, and (of course) watching every conceivable made-for-tv movie (there’s already 4 on my DVR. I’m so pumped).

So, in the spirit of the holidays, I’m going to share with all of you one of my favorite (and true!) stories that happened last year when I was in Columbus, visiting my sister before Christmas.

I’ve blogged pretty extensively about my younger sister, Nicole. She’s one of my favorite people in the world and I love hanging out with her, despite living 2+ hours away. So when we DO get to hang out, it’s always a treat.

So last year, to celebrate the end of finals (double yay!), I made the trek down to Columbus (side note: I lived in Columbus a few years ago and it really is a great town) to visit for the weekend. Since it was literally the day after I finished with law finals, I had done exactly ZERO Christmas shopping. Nicole and I figured we’d figure out what to get our parents and our brother (and other random people too) and maybe try a new restaurant. It was going to be a nice quiet, stress-free weekend.

That clearly didn’t happen.

I met her at Easton so we could go have lunch (Northstar Cafe—if you haven’t been, go! And try the Champagne Vinaigrette.). We stopped back at the Verizon store (so I could get my car to drop off at Nicole’s apartment).

That’s when the day started to get weird.

I noticed someone had smashed my passenger’s side window. Initially, I thought it was a hit and run. However, upon further inspection, I realized someone broke into my car. They tore through EVERYTHING.I assume they thought they’d find a laptop, iPad, iPod or something else like it. However, they were wrong. The only things in my car were ancient sweatpants from college, a pair of brown Uggs (sue me, I wear Uggs), a few cosmetic items (makeup, toothbrush, contact solution), a pillow, and a few law textbooks.

The bastards left everything, but my eyeglasses and toothbrush.

Here’s the note I left them on facebook (but I doubt they got it).

dear idiot who broke into my car, 
i hope you enjoy my used toothbrush, three-quarters gone foundation and blush and my eyeglasses. i really appreciate you leaving my textbooks, GRE prep books and the chik-fil-a coupon. i’m sorry there wasn’t anything really good in the car for you (but, tough, you got an extremely lovely pair of prada eyeglasses). hope santa brings you a warrant for your arrest. 
love, stacey

I was robbed by the worst criminals ever—considering the only things they stole were a pair of eyeglasses, an old toothbrush and some used makeup. I was still (rightly) pissed.

So, since I had to buy a new toothbrush, Nicole and I headed  to WalMart.

If there is one thing you should know about Nicole (and my dad) is that they HATE WalMart. Hate it the way that I hate “The View” and Joy Behar.

But we went anyway because Nicole had to return something (it was part of a Halloween costume that she never used). The two of us pull up to Wal-Mart, I’m pissy because I was robbed, Nicole is pissy because we’re at WalMart.

We head into the store and see the return line is ridiculous. And this isn’t one of those nice newer WalMarts either. This is an old-school, dirty, icky Wal-Mart. There’s a huge-ish line of people waiting and one person doing actual work behind the counter. The other few people are there just to hang out (or something). So now that’s making us TWICE as angry.

So we stand there waiting, me complaining about my glasses (I loved those glasses) and Nicole complaining about Wal-Mart. We see a woman get in line behind us, struggling with her “bag 0 crap” (which is what I called it. I think it was actually just a bunch of hangers in a few plastic bags). She had her daughter with her—an adult, but looked like she had some sort of handicap. The mother was struggling to hold the bag o crap and zip up her daughter’s coat.

Nicole, being the sweetheart she is, got over her hatred of WalMart and asked the woman if she could help her—maybe hold her bag so she could help her daughter.

Now, I SWEAR TO GOD that this next portion is true.

The daughter, who had been fighting her mother, had her head down. She snapped her head up to stare at my sister, threw her middle finger in Nicole’s face, and then (BEST PART), started to kick her in the shins.

Nicole froze, not knowing what to do (me? I was busy trying to figure out how to work the video camera on my iPhone to capture this special memory forever, all while laughing myself to an asthma attack). The mother, sort of feeling embarrassed, calmly told her daughter “Now, Heather, that’s not very nice,” and lead her away from Nicole.

Nicole looks at me and says (something to the effect of) “Did that just happen??” I was still laughing too hard to answer, so the other people in line assured her that, yes, in fact, she did just get flipped off and kicked in a WalMart.

The best part? We’re still in line! There was NO WAY we were leaving until we got that stupid shirt returned. The next ten minutes were spent split between silence (wondering what the hell just happened) and fits of giggles (mostly courtesy of me). She finally returned her shirt and the cashier said that was the craziest thing she had seen in awhile (I assume other ridiculous things happen at WalMart. people of walmart is a site for a reason). As we’re ready to go, I see that Heather’s mom is back (with her bag o crap).

She (Heather’s mom) is just standing there. The cashier says that she can take the next person. Heather’s mom doesn’t move. The cashier says, again, she can take her. Again, Heather’s mom just stands there. So the woman behind her shrugs and walks to the counter.

This gets Heather’s mom’s attention. She grabs her bag o crap, shoves the other woman out of the way, throws said bag o crap on the counter and screeches “EX-CUSE ME, BUT I WAS NEXT”. The other woman (a remarkably normal lady, looking as incredulous about what was going on as Nicole and I were) was taken aback and tried to apologize, but Heather’s mom didn’t want to hear it. She ignored the other lady and then proceeded to dump out the bag o crap…which was, in fact, a bunch of hangers. I burst out laughing (and, again, trying to figure out how to video tape this gem).

You can’t make this stuff up.

And, on our way out, Nicole says (incredibly loudly) “That’s it! This place is the worst! WE’RE GOING TO TARGET” (or something like that, I was still laughing my face off).

So there you have it. I was robbed, Nicole was assaulted, and WalMart was forced to take back an entire bag of hangers (or risk being attacked by Heather).

This year, Nicole is coming up HERE and we’re definitely not going to to WalMart. That’s a promise.

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2 thoughts on “today’s post is brought to you by small time crooks and WalMart

  1. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Where did we go last night??????? Although, I’m sure it was only because I sent photos there to be printed and picked up. I love WalMart……. and let me introduce you to my daughter Heather……

  2. Oh my word this post cracked me up! Criminals are idiots. I guess that’s why they have to be idiots. They probably had no idea how much those books would sell for on Amazon.

    Also, I hate Walmart, too. My boyfriend’s family lives in a small town so they think walmart is a normal place to shop. When we were in Denver for thanksgiving they chose walmart over a target that was right.next.door.

    BUT, I think they finally understood why the rest of us hate Walmart. When we were checking out, someone looked at the floor, and apparently someone ahead of us in line had finished a piece of chicken and could not look for a trashcan. Chicken bone, on the floor. SO gross.

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