i’m elbow deep in garbage juice

No, not right now. But earlier this evening I was.

I thought I lost my aunt’s wedding band that I had reset a few months ago. To say that I was panicked would be the understatement of the year. I was going bat-shit crazy. I tore apart my entire house—twice. No dice. Under couches, under tables. Nothing.

So I ended up, elbow deep in the garbage, tearing apart through the coffee grounds, banana peels, old dog food, and general nastiness. Nope, not there. I then, sucked up the remainder of my pride and went though the garbage that was already outside. Nope, not there either. I smelled like garbage and old dog food, still no ring, and was contemplating about how to take apart the vacuum cleaner.

At that point, I almost WISHED that I was chasing my stupid dog down in my neighbors’ yard.

I gave up, convinced that my ring (with not just actual monetary value, but a whole lot of sentimental value) was gone. I cursed St. Anthony for being absolutely no help. I went to change out of my garbage-y (so not a word, but an accurate description) clothes. I peeked one more time on my dresser. There, among the piles of makeup and costume jewelry, was my ring.


While 99.9% of me was just thrilled that it was safe and not in the vacuum (or my dog’s bowels), the other .1% (the horrible ungrateful side) was pissed that I actually went through the garbage and was going to follow my dog around with a shovel for the next few days.

I’ve just come to terms that with me and my idiocy, as my homegirl, Roseanne Roseannadanna (aka Gilda Radner) used to say, “it’s always something.” If you don’t know who Gilda or Roseanne is, you are missing out. Do yourself a favor and check out her Commencement speech to the Columbia Journalism School (fast forward to 5:55 if you just want to see her catchphrase) 

One of the funniest women to ever have lived and definitely the funniest to have ever been on SNL (although Kristen Wiig gives her a run for her money. I don’t count Tina Fey ONLY because I consider Tina more of a writer than a cast member).

That’s it for today. It’s getting to be the end of November (yikes!) and the end of NaBloPoMo…and I can’t believe I’m still on track. Crazy. I wish I could say the same for NaNoWriMo (I am so far behind, I’m too embarrassed to even tell you guys how bad it is). I was going to sit down and write a ton tonight…but after the whole ring escapade (I’m still SO mad at myself) and the fact that there is an entire evening of Law & Order (Michael Cutter episodes! yay!) on TNT, I’m clearly spoken for.

But as Scarlett would say



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