Day 2. I am on a roll.
I had lunch yesterday with my mom; my best friend, “S” and her mom, “L”. The four of us try to get lunch once a month to catch up, etc. Because S and I are both in school (and S has a regular full-time job), it’s been harder & harder to get together without scheduling weeks in advance. I hadn’t seen her in forever—her last semester of grad school is kicking her ass & all she does is work & do schoolwork. But the minute I got into the car, she dropped a bombshell on me.
To say that I was surprised is the understatement of the century. Last time I saw her, we were planning an NYC trip for December to celebrate her being done with school and I was already trying to set her up with one of my dude friends (she had JUST broken up with her boyfriend. I won’t go into details, but it was ugly and I wanted to kill him for making my BFF so upset). I was telling her awesome being single was (ok, so I lied a little) and that no matter what, she was amazing and wonderful and someone was going to see that & sweep her off her feet
Clearly I was wrong.
Lest you think I’m a monster. I AM happy for her. REALLY happy for her. A baby is a blessing and a joy and she is going to be the MOST AMAZING mother ever. I can’t wait to spoil the baby rotten & teach him or her ways to annoy mom & dad (seriously, being an “aunt” is way better than having a kid yourself) and throw her the most bitchin’ baby shower ever. I’m thrilled for her (and her family) and I know that this baby is going to be so so loved.
But I still can’t shake the feeling of utter sadness that swept over me when she told me (after the initial “say what” shock). Does that make me a terrible BFF? Probably (no, scratch that. It DEFINITELY makes me a terrible friend). I guess it’s because S and I were always on the same wavelength & going through similar paths in both our personal and professional at the same time. Lots of my girlfriends from college got married right away & had babies, which automatically put them on a different path than I. S was different. It seemed we always had the same boy problems, job issues and personal struggles. Having her was having a buddy that always seemed to know & understand what I was going through because SHE was going through it too. Now, we are clearly going on VERY divergent paths
It’s completely selfish and I can’t believe I’m even admitting this to the blog0sphere, but I had to get it off my chest. Even though I’m so happy for her & wish her only the best and can’t WAIT to meet that baby, I can’t help but feel that it’s the end of an era. No more last minute trips, three hour Sunday brunches, gin-soaked happy hours, etc.
I think sad is the wrong word for how I feel. It’s not that. It’s mostly lonely. I feel totally and completely alone. Most of my girlfriends from high school or college are now either married, have kids or at least are homeowners (aka “grown-ups”). I’m still single and would probably forget to feed my dog if my parents didn’t remind me. Point being? I’m kind of a mess. And it’s as though everyone else is making these giant leaps forward in their personal & professional lives…and I’m still stuck at go. I can see the race ahead of me and I have my kick ass running shoes tied…but I don’t actually start.
I know my time is coming. After all it is
(Sorry, I really like that graphic)
And I know my path is probably really different from a lot of my friends. I have different dreams and goals that I want to accomplish. But it still smarts when you see everyone you know moving forward & you’re stuck in the same place.
Ok, enough of the pity party for one.
This just means I have to get more serious about “my path”. Maybe I should see a psychic? I’ve always wanted to see one (but not if they tell me I’m going to die soon. That wouldn’t be fun). I had an obsession with Miss Cleo. Remember her?
But seriously, this does mean that I have to start making some changes. I don’t know exactly what or when, but soon. And as soon as I figure it out, I’ll let you know 🙂
So, I’ll leave you with one of my favoritest songs ever, the aptly titled “Changes” by David Bowie (post Ziggy Stardust)